It’s hard to admit it– especially during this season of joy, but I’m feeling a bit cranky and working hard to keep the pity party at bay. The truth is, I’ve really wanted to share something uplifting and spiritual for Christmas. For the last couple of weeks I’ve thought of breezy opening lines and cheery titles– but I just couldn’t get into it. And so, even though the act of writing itself brings me great satisfaction, I’ve put off posting because I didn’t want to be a downer, or offer an inadequate expression of my thoughts on the subject.
And then… I started reading Brene Brown’s “Daring Greatly” and I realized maybe this is one of those times I need to be vulnerable. (ick, ick, ickity ick…) Maybe my weakness and transparency could not only help me, but be the real uplifting message someone else may need right now. if this isn’t the case, feel free to move on– but if this is you, or someone you love– please know you’re not alone, and hang on to the truth of Christmas– God really loves each one of us so much!! Eventually our feelings will fall in line with our thoughts once more.
I’m not currently depressed (I’ve been there before and can speak from experience on this one 🙂 ). This is really more a case of “disconnect” between what my head knows about the Lord–my unshakable faith, an acute awareness of the many MANY blessings in my life, –AND my emotions, or what my heart is feeling. Honestly, I’m embarrassed too. ( yikes, vulnerability is fun. Thanks, Dr. Brown!) In years past, I had trouble with the thief who wanted to rob me of my joy at Christmas time, (lots of family pain/losses associated with this season) and I had to change up the routine and create some new traditions. But this year, somehow I knew everything would be fine. I was invited to bring a little theatrical presentation to our Christmas Eve Services at church, and I even looked forward to the milestone birthday year I would be celebrating.
Now here we are, post-Christmas, and things have gone well… I am so blessed to share my life with wonderful friends and family; my birthday was remembered, and Christmas Eve was such a special treat. I have been pondering big concepts to explore in the new year and I’m looking forward to new challenges and growth. So why the spiritual lull? It could be because I’ve been coughing since the end of November (combination of asthma and a nasty cold). It could be because being sick is so tiring, and it’s been disappointing to miss several special events. It could be because I’m feeling ashamed for letting a little bug get the best of me, when I personally know so many brave people battling much more serious pain with such positive attitudes. Who knows? Maybe it’s not related to the cough at all but rather to the distractions and mind clutter of all of the Christmas time to-do’s?
Here’s what I know for sure… God allowed this test and I will continue to push forward and run my race– trusting in His goodness and the beauty to come (even when I don’t feel like it.) Whew… how’s THAT for vulnerability?